Greetings! If I told you that I was – Thoth, the thinking movie monk, it should be self-explanatory, I’m thinking. However, I’m thinking, most wouldn’t give it any thought – because of Murphy’s Law. So I have to – ironically – think of ways to explain myself, in a way you’ll get it without having to think too much, i’m thinking.

So, to describe myself in one line –

I’m a monk that meditates on movies and my reviews are full of Thoth (No it’s not a lisp! It’s called a pun). My reviews are definitely not some presumptuous pessimistic critic’s perspective. In fact, I offer an honest and insightful perspective on why, when and how I think – you can enjoy an awesome meditative movie experience… Hmm, I’m thinking… Did I mention I wasn’t a presumptuous critic?

What else?… Think of a being with the wisdom of Gandalf, with the swag of Colonel Landa, with a mind like the interwoven dreams of Inception… And if I were a movie, everyone would actually buy all that, I’m thinking… So don’t think too much, just click on the link below to read my Thoths on movieth thath I Lovth to *bites-tongue*… Ghaaa!

I love movies. I love a good laugh. Put two and three together.

The name’s Kein…LOLkein. They tell me my jokes are lame. I go like “You talkin to me?” (in De-Niro accent), and then they are like “Yea, we ARE talking to you” and I like hold out my gun and say in slo-mo “I like the way you die bwoy”…

…and then I get shot.

Loads of data analysis, Loads of Puns, Wait for the LOLkein, cause it’s gonna be fun!

My name is Confusion.
Confucious.
Conficitious.
Confusious. Yhea, that’s it. That’s my name. And that’s the correct spelling too.

Why is that my name? I am a confused guy… so…. Does it have anything to do with the philosopher Confucius? Sort of… kind of.. if that’s what you think, then good. Sooo. … howdy, or hello or cheerio… I DON’T KNOW take your pick, it’s difficult to greet a person.
Burger or cheese burger, cheese cake or vanilla cake. How should I know which one is better? Wait. Damn it. Movie monks, movie site, movie time.

Saving Private Ryan or Platoon? Forrest Gump or Rush?
Which movie to watch …. it’sssss confusing.
*just goes to the couch and watches movie that the other monks put on.

You know the gap between bullshit and sarcasm – where sarcasm involves the use of irony to convey contempt in a manner that’s supposed to be apparent? – Yeah…THAT GAP. It doesn’t exist for me. I’m the kind of guy that once told another guy to jump off a building when he said he wanted to fly. Funny thing is the guy actually jumped. And died. I cried at his funeral. And mourned the death of sarcasm. True Story.

So why the goddamn coffin – well cause- you know “Sarcophagus” is an actual word! Now the nitpickers might say it’s supposed to be a ‘stone coffin’. And I might say to them I’m running for President of the United States. And both of us would add tremendous value to the world with our profound declarations.

So – who am I?

I’m the hero (albeit in a coffin) that the world deserves, but not the one it needs right now. A silent guardian of sarcasm. An ode to the dim wits who believed in my straight faced crap. I am Sarco –The Dead Serious Monk – and “beneath this sarcophagus is an idea. And ideas are bulletproof.” At least my coffin is. So shoot me in the back.