Greetings! If I told you that I was – Thoth, the thinking movie monk, it should be self-explanatory, I’m thinking. However, I’m thinking, most wouldn’t give it any thought – because of Murphy’s Law. So I have to – ironically – think of ways to explain myself, in a way you’ll get it without having to think too much, i’m thinking.

So, to describe myself in one line –

I’m a monk that meditates on movies and my reviews are full of Thoth (No it’s not a lisp! It’s called a pun). My reviews are definitely not some presumptuous pessimistic critic’s perspective. In fact, I offer an honest and insightful perspective on why, when and how I think – you can enjoy an awesome meditative movie experience… Hmm, I’m thinking… Did I mention I wasn’t a presumptuous critic?  

What else?… Think of a being with the wisdom of Gandalf, with the swag of Colonel Landa, with a mind like the interwoven dreams of Inception… And if I were a movie, everyone would actually buy all that, I’m thinking… So don’t think too much, just click on the link below to read my Thoths on movieth thath I Lovth to *bites-tongue*… Ghaaa!

THOTH'S REVIEWS

My name is Confusion.
Confucious.
Conficitious.
Confusious. Yhea, that’s it. That’s my name. And that’s the correct spelling too.

Why is that my name? I am a confused guy… so…. Does it have anything to do with the philosopher Confucius? Sort of… kind of.. if that’s what you think, then good. Sooo. … howdy, or hello or cheerio… I DON’T KNOW take your pick, it’s difficult to greet a person.
Burger or cheese burger, cheese cake or vanilla cake. How should I know which one is better? Wait. Damn it. Movie monks, movie site, movie time.

Saving Private Ryan or Platoon? Forrest Gump or Rush?
Which movie to watch …. it’sssss confusing.
*just goes to the couch and watches movie that the other monks put on.

CONFUSIOUS' REVIEWS

I love movies. I love a good laugh. Put two and three together.

The name’s Kein…LOLkein. They tell me my jokes are lame. I go like “You talkin to me?” (in De-Niro accent), and then they are like “Yea, we ARE talking to you” and I like hold out my gun and say in slo-mo “I like the way you die bwoy”…

…and then I get shot.

Loads of data analysis, Loads of Puns, Wait for the LOLkein, cause it’s gonna be fun!

LOLKEIN'S REVIEWS

You know the gap between bullshit and sarcasm – where sarcasm involves the use of irony to convey contempt in a manner that’s supposed to be apparent? – Yeah…THAT GAP. It doesn’t exist for me. I’m the kind of guy that once told another guy to jump off a building when he said he wanted to fly. Funny thing is the guy actually jumped. And died. I cried at his funeral. And mourned the death of sarcasm. True Story.

So why the goddamn coffin – well cause- you know “Sarcophagus” is an actual word! Now the nitpickers might say it’s supposed to be a ‘stone coffin’. And I might say to them I’m running for President of the United States. And both of us would add tremendous value to the world with our profound declarations.

So – who am I?

I’m the hero (albeit in a coffin) that the world deserves, but not the one it needs right now. A silent guardian of sarcasm. An ode to the dim wits who believed in my straight faced crap. I am Sarco –The Dead Serious Monk – and “beneath this sarcophagus is an idea. And ideas are bulletproof.” At least my coffin is. So shoot me in the back.

SARCO'S REVIEWS